Booty and the Beard

Ryan and Steffie reminisce on the duration of the show. Ryan decides that this show will be the season finale, not realizing that episode 15 of a weekly show hold no significance whatsoever. Ryan brings up the giant hole that recently opened up in Guatemala, which somehow leads to him building things with his poop.

Ryan also reveals he knows next to nothing about the personal computer, when he explores the Control Panel, and more specifically, the People Near Me function. Ryan and Steffie believe that the Dell guy and the Mac guy should be placed into whimsical music videos together.

We discuss the intricacies of Steffie’s brain and her secret gnome creature that lives in her head-library. Ryan has robot arms which he believes to be superior than the gnome, Surly. Steffie retaliates by naming Ryan’s robot arms but he declares that they are only made cuter by giving them a name.

Ryan and Steffie brings up the Teddy Bear picnic to be held at the toddler’s school. They somehow turn it into a Buffy the Vampire Slayer spin-off in which the teachers are enacting an ancient, demonic ritual. We talk about the cycles of the moon and how they effect our business-based desk jobs and the Teddy Bear picnic, which takes place during the day.

Steffie and Ryan revisit their random headline segment with an interesting story about river bones and pig stabbings. During which, they become crazy, yet ineffectual detectives. Giggling ensues for a prolonged period of time. We also find out that people in Finland are very serious about their Habbo Hotels.

Steffie breaks off all contact with Japan and enters into a serious embargo until they meet her demands: that she be allowed to have an app for her iPhone that lets her take care of a Tamagotchi.

We talk about Jooze again, ice shows, canning parties, and much more!

“I’m telling the truth, we don’t know David Caruso!”-Ryan

“I don’t think it’s right for you to have an American Flag cape and not have

a huge, bulging crotch.”-Steffie

Nacho Lovers – Acid Life

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Ryan and Steffie come back from their trip a very rural place for a wedding. They discuss the country town from their “big city” perspective. Farms turned into Zombie Farms and they discuss the toddler’s knowledge of food production and child-based marketing.

The conversation shifts to entertaining kids’ shows but an unfortunate mistake turns Ryan and Steffie into cyborgs. They talk about Data from Star Trek and his less famous cousin, Beta.

They discuss Pacman’s 30th anniversary and the effect of the Pacman Google entry on the economy. Ryan somehow finds a way to blame Obama and then does the wrong impression. Speaking of blaming Obama, Steffie and Ryan discuss the oil slowly filling up the Gulf of Mexico and its relation to the Pirates of Dark Water.

Ryan has a hard-on for Shia Lebeouf this episode and discusses several movies he’s in and how he mixes them in his mind. Steffie and Ryan discuss the unfortunately named Teabaggers. Ryan and Steffie vow to use whatever name they choose for themselves next to make a new sexual act so they will continue to live in shame.

Ryan and Steffie have their first ever “segment” which is yet to be named. Steffie gives Ryan the headline and Ryan has to fill in the details. Peter the Moose is the star and a die-hard, sap-slinging, crime-lord. He may or may not be controlled by either Transformers or the Eagle Eye chick.

Steffie’s fear of horses is brought to the table which leads to conversations about Tyra Bank’s fear of dolphins and dolphins in general. Steffie understands the fear and Ryan thinks they shouldn’t neglect our aquatic allies. They bring up dolphin-related crimes. Ryan believes rape is extremely common among animals.

“I’m tired of being drill-pressed by these taxes!”-Ryan

“Dudley Do Right was fucked up!”-Steffie

Intro Song: N.D. Monroe – Traffic Jam Dreams

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Ryan and Steffie are celebrating the 13th episode and discuss the implications of the number thirteen as it relates to being unlucky or lucky. They discuss a few religions that place value on the number as well as Wicca and Bewitched.

Ryan explains how to find the treasure of FDR by using clues in the Bewitched DVD deleted scenes. Ryan believes that FDR was secretly trying to release a plague of polio upon mankind. Steffie wants to trick guests into thinking she has a jar of polio in the kitchen and we learn that Steffie has no concept of presidents in the past.

Topics of death and the deceased inevitably lead to discussions of commemorative plates. They talk more about other made-for-TV products and vaccuums.

Steffie and Ryan discuss the addition of smell to the internet and we learn about Ryan’s hatred of Axe bodyspray.

Steffie announces that we are now opening up the show to family and friends and they should be pre-warned of immature and offensive topics and Steffie does her first edit to the show.

Ryan and Steffie discuss retardation and their love. Ryan misinterprets a news story about a dart gun which steers the conversation back towards rape. Steffie wants to blowdart Johnny Depp and shuffle off with him into the bushes.

They discuss robot marriages, Dio, and Ryan’s domestic abuse at Publix. Ryan feels as if the sun gives him strength and his pet mouse. Ryan also unleashes his new fragrance, Chainsaw, unto to the world.

Tom Hanks’ weird head, their giant friend Derrick, tiny Spaniards and much, much more!

“Office supplies are my only friends”-Ryan

“My mom is aware of my fucking Alex Baldwin for the cure”-Steffie

Intro Song: Felix Cartal-MSTRKRFT-Bounce feat N.O.R.E

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Ryan starts the conversation with his belief that reading is for suckers. Ryan doesn’t think reading is even spelled correctly. He also breaks the news that reading is lame. He complains about Bush and his wife trying to shove reading down America’s throat. Steffie thinks George Bush is an alright guy. Ryan would hang out with him but doesn’t think he’s a good person.

Ryan talks about First Ladies and what failures they all are. Steffie believes that for some reason, someone will offer her millions of dollars to be quiet about health care and Ryan reveals that he has no grasp on the population of America. Steffie gives the populations of different places which is inevitably very, very boring. No discussion about population would be complete without talking about India.

Steffie explains to Ryan what audiophiles are all about and Ryan, of course, thinks they are lame. Ryan randomly goes off on a tangent about people taking objects to space. He loves the term Cosmonaut, despite them being a bunch of commies. Steffie doesn’t know how to say Astronaut, so Ryan schools her in both of those words’ pronounciation.

Steffie and Ryan discuss the upcoming 3D issue of Playboy. Ryan inevitably disgusts Steffie with what he believes the magazine will do. Ryan explains how many internet sociologists are running around. Steffie uses porn to find new tricks. They begin discussing lube and how it relates to the movie Signs. They try to pronounce similar words for like five minutes, likely due to their collective ADHD. For some reason, Ryan believes that all the lube in the house will save them from aliens or zombies. Not even five minutes goes by and they are distracted by something happening in the room.

Ryan and Steffie talk about the folks inspecting their apartment. Ryan is worried that they are using the adult products that Steffie left out on a previous inspection day.

They discuss baby names which somehow leads to discussing Mo Rocca and all the old Nickelodeon game shows. Ryan and Steffie discuss the various events and segments of these old games shows with their own ideas about what these games should have been to be more entertaining.

The topic moves towards medical marijuana dispencaries getting firebombed and Steffie being accused of being a customer’s mistress. Steffie tries to convince her otherwise, but to no avail.

The conversation steers back towards GUTS and Legends of the Hidden Temple with talk of glamorous prizes of trips to the Phosphate Hills of Fort Meyers as well as free Starkist Tuna!

“No, No, No, you don’t shoot AT the Baby, you shoot NEAR the Baby”-Ryan

“I just want you to continue with the story, we were talking about female ejaculate and zombies with lube”-Steffie

Intro Song: Amanda Blank-Might Like You Better

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Ryan & Steffie’s Zombie Farms have fallen by the wayside. The conversation moves towards
locusts. Ryan reiterates his belief that insects and crustaceans are aliens. They start
talking about Joe Rogan which invariably leads to drug use. Ryan talks about the mildness
of their love-making.

It comes to light that Steffie has never seen Different Strokes or even heard the theme
song. We talk about the lack of Aladdin’s nose as well as the Smile Train: an organization
that you can donate money to for children born with cleft palates. We expound more on cleft
palates which turns the conversation towards oral sex.

The main topic of the day seems to be men with two genitalia.

We start talking about roast beef but probably not the kind you’re thinking about now,
along with mustard, relish, kraut, and the Germans. Ryan and Steffie discuss spending more
time together and weigh the pros and cons of increased interaction time.

Warning:The show gets a lot nerdier when Ryan starts talking about the past, present, and future
of his video game playing time. Steffie tells us about her time as a Cuban dictator. We
also find out that Ryan & Steffie are not really sure what their smoke detector sounds
like, despite it going off every time they open the oven. Apparently Ryan and Steffie are
not being cool about fire safety.

We discuss the BP oil spill and its “harsh” effects on Steffie’s parents. Ryan is pretty
sure Dawn is dunking animals in oil and subsequently cleaning them off for photo ops. Ryan
and Steffie discuss how animals in Dreamworks and Disney films have much cuter birth
defects than those in real life.

As it often does, the topic drifts towards hobos. Steffie and Ryan want to do many fun
things with them from catching them in shoddy traps to giving them fake Nobel Peace
Prizes. Steffie gives out some advice to the homeless which will likely fall on deaf ears
since this is a podcast.

As per usual, hilarity ensues.

“I don’t know if you have ghost balls.”-Steffie

Ryan:”I mean, I’ve got a ghost dick, what do I know about normal genitalia?”-Ryan

Intro Song: Eclectek-Bonzai!

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-Booty and the Beard hits the double digits
-Steffie went through a crazy debacle to with XBOX Live customer service
-Ryan doesn’t know why Indian people are the “go to” customer service people
-Ryan thinks documentary people are lame
-Ryan doesn’t trust vegans; steffie is more open-minded about it
-Ryan used to have relations with a vegan that ended in an odd way
-Ryan used to throw a lot of meat around town
-Ryan obviously doesn’t clean out his fridgerator very often
-Ryan thinks that Lakeland is better than Winter Haven in every way (which is true)
-Ryan warns people not to hang around when a van with band/bumper stickers comes to you
-Ryan participated in a drive-by meating
-Steffie would never eat turkey again if hit in the face with rancid turkey meat
-Ryan wants to start a business where he throws rancid versions of your favorite foods at you to help you lose weight
-Steffie’s car has a ridiculous amount of trash in it
-Ryan has always had a goal of having multiple ex-wives
-Ryan wanted to be an accountant as a child
-Steffie wanted to be a palentologist
-Ryan thinks all palentologists do is journey to the center of the earth
-steffie explains how she got with her first husband
-Steffie goes on to explain their honeymoon home
-Ryan relates a story of a fat redneck almost dying of what she referred to as “laugh-dation”
-Steffie is not sure whether or not there was a bathroom in this suite
-Steffie believes that fast food will outlast roaches in the apocalypse
-Steffie thinks that the McFlurry is the obese person’s body fuel
-Apparently Ryan’s greatest fear is fast food fish
-Steffie and Ryan are on a diet and using technology to help them
-Steffie made some chicken wings that have a pavlovian response in Ryan
-Steffie is involved in a Weight Loss challenge at her work
-Ryan wants to prescribe cocaine to fat people
-Ryan thinks the BMI system needs to be thrown out
-ON a related note, Steffie says people are getting sterilized in China
-Ryan thinks this is good news for America somehow
-Ryan believes the ability to make L sounds makes for a more advanced language
-Ryan thinks Chinese people make food in lanterns
-Motorboating is just for strange women Ryan doesn’t know.
-Ryan motorboats approximately 45 people a week.
-This is depressing to Steffie
-Steffie doesn’t think that dick sucking is sodomy but Ryan proves correct.
-Ryan wants to do powerpoint presentations on a random topic each week as a fun family activity
-Steffie spends a lot of money on bill management apps for the iphone
-Ryan wants to do a solo episode where he does impressions of Harrison Ford
-Ryan declares that he can’t control the weather and then explains about how scientists can
-Ryan and Steffie discuss the brave souls who fought water-based crime

“I’ve sodomized sooo many people,”-Steffie
“I didn’t say I wanted an Eskimo blowjob,”-Ryan

Intro Song: Danger Doom-Benzie Box

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Ryan and Steffie were in an independent short film over the weekend where blood filled condoms featured prominently.

This leads to Steffie wanting to film a movie called Bloodcock. She gives us the whole plot. The whole plot.

Steffie originally wanted to name her son “Goo baby”

Ryan and Steffie Discuss the Terminator movies and Terminator dogs and cats.

Steffie talks about The Anarchist Cookbook, Chuck Palahniuk and alludes to potential childhood arson.

Steffie wants the internet to figure out the two movies from her childhood based on her extremely vague description of one or two scenes from each movie.

The duo talks about cartoons, Gargoyles and Mummies Alive specifically. Gargoyles had a wicked crazy complicated plot.

Steffie wishes she had stolen Rock-a-doodle from the public library.

Ryan and Steffie finally come out of the closet about their relationship.

Ryan breaks the news to Steffie that Dana Carvey is dying, she takes this just as hard as she did the knowledge James Bond was an orphan.

Steffie decides she wants a Ruskie Baby instead of a Haiti Baby. She also gets off on googling.

Ryan is way to cocky about his video game prowess. He moves on to being just as cocky about his job.

Steffie used to sell sex toys and alludes to a possible future contest, for the listeners, involving her left over inventory.

Steffie wants to walk around dropping pheromones on people as a social experiment.

Lesbians having sex in work parking lots is apparently really popular. Steffie describes how she would get away with doing it. Ryan decides she should not write romance novels.

Steffie will eventually go blind, and asks an important question to all the optometrists in the audience.

“Don’t play with balls during the show,”-Steffie
“First, I took a cotton swab and I shoved it in my dick,”-Ryan

Intro Song: Danger Doom-Benzie Box

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This week Ricky from Foul Monkeys has stopped by to visit. Ryan discusses fried shrimp for far longer than necessary.

The trio talk about crazy Customer Service stories from their lengthy careers in various call centers, some of them sexual but mostly just weird.

Steffie is jealous that Ricky got to go on strike. Ryan doesn’t understand the need for 411.

Ricky has ticklish feet which inevitably means some Asian jokes are made.

Ryan wants to get in between two dudes at the gym.

A discussion of water sports turns into a discussion about water sports.

Ricky went to a gay bar once (shocking!) and tells us about the different specialty areas within.

Ryan teaches Ricky about the rules of Booty and the Beard news….or lack of it.

Lots of discussions on politicians that love cock.

Ryan and Steffie want to do a weekly segment on his harassment of an old religious lady at his job.

Several stories are started and never finished this episode but we’ll probably get to them eventually…what is the background on the poofyhaired mystery guy? How did Ryan’s mom invite him to Facebook?

They get into Foul Monkeys co-hosts past and present.

It is determined that Ricky will not make it in Hollywood.

The show starts getting almost factual when Ricky gives Steffie an education on the life cycle of a gay person and a rundown of gay terminology.

Ryan tries to bring it back to Moses being a secret Egyptian and Ricky feeds the fire by agreeing with Ryan on Australia’s alleged racism.

Ryan and Steffie want to go to different protests around town.

Steffie accidentally makes a cheesy joke about Alzheimers.

Ryan and Ricky might need a moment alone to deal with Ryan’s tiny ear holes.

Steffie tries to sell Ricky on the iBag. Ricky gives us info on the iPad that makes Ryan say “Cute!!!” about twelve times and Steffie gets real squeaky,

Ricky gives us his man search criteria.

Ryan coins the phrase “gaynopause”.

Steffie is jealous of the gay lifestyle. She is also responsible for killing Ryan’s carefree, fun years.

Steffie hatches a plot to get drugs by pretending to be a lesbian and having Ryan be a gay dude. She feels confident she can pull it off. Ryan is not.

Steffie doesn’t like the term bi-sexual, but insists all women are bi-sexual. Everyone disagrees on whether males can be bi-sexual.

Ryan knows a secret Mormon.

Please send all dick sucking inquries to BootyandtheBeard@gmail.com or call 206-984-3685

Foul Monkeys is celebrating their 300th episode by providing DVDs of every episode, every intro, every video, and a special secret episode about the porch story. Check it out at Foul Monkeys or follow @FoulMonkeys.

“Hold on let me put on my piss goggles”-Steffie
“Gay people are all druids,”-Ryan
“My ovaries are turning into raisins!”-Ricky

Intro Song: Diablo Swing Orchestra-Poetic Pitbull Revolution

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